All I Want For Christmas is... Order

 I should have the longest list for Christmas this year

but instead I am not looking for anything!

Except the one thing I can't have of course!

Santa shouldn't worry because there is nothing on my list

(which is usually very extensive).

It doesn't feel like Christmas after all.

It's the second time I am spending Christmas with the GRINCH,

and I am not looking forward to it.

This year I decided to RUN

This is what i do best!

Run from pain, memories and most importantly what i want to be the past.

I am cleaning out my closet! While singing " I said I am sorry Mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I am cleaning out my closet!" (Eminen)

Even though I am not sure she does what she does best not to hurt me.

Anyways I decided, no more memories, no more past, no more skeletons!

My Christmas will not be about giving or receiving something!

It's about wiping my room clean and get ready to finally start a new life.

The life I've been avoiding for the past 6 years.  

Let me know what is

your Christmas all about

xoxo

OnlyChick

What Is Your Aspiration in Life?

"My Aspiration In Life Is To Be Happy."

That has always been my answer to this critical question. 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What do you want to become? What are your goals?

My sister S. is big in time management those days. 

How can she manage her time better than creating more dilemmas in my, already chaotic, life??

By asking me one of the most tricky questions the universe has ever put forward to humanity and give me a clever, but righteous, answer she found in one of her books to better her management skills!!

She asked :

"What really makes you happy?"

I thought about it and said nothing so far...

She went on talking ab

Then sheout her friend which says that for her is sleeping and eating 

( She would be such a happy woman if she was me).

 went on explaining what her book said about it.

Theoretically :

If you don't know what makes you happy how can you hope to be happy in the future?

Yes, a question to answer the question! It continues by saying that is completely useless to set a goal and don't know how to reach it, because then u are working for no goal at all, worst you are just wasting your time. Don't worry it gets even more confusing. As long as I've understood it, to build anything in a business, as in life, u need good inspiration, aspiration, foundation and from then u need to start to build up on it.

As a little girl I wanted to be so many things, but most of all I always wanted to be loved.

Or better, Feel loved.

I always thought that being loved was the biggest achievement in life, the thing people were waiting for their whole lives. 

Maybe I've seen all of it under the wrong light,

What if what would make me happy was dedicating my love to others? Not only one person as I did so far. 

But how can I love others if at the end of the day I am not sure I like what I see in the mirror?

(and I don't mean physically that can be change easy).

More Questions Than Answers!

I think I need to find out what makes me happy first. 

Make a plan and build on it.

XOXO

OnlyChick

Wake Me Up!

"Wake Me Up When It's All Over, 

   When I Am Wiser and I Am Older

          All This Time I was Founding Myself

     And I Didn't Know I Was Lost" 

                              - Avincii

Well this year I realised that I am looking s

o hard to find who I really am 

that I've lost so much pretending to be someone I am not.

Someone that came out of a book.

I realised I am mentally older than the age on my driving licence.

Most people interprete this song as cheerful, finding a place where you belong, forever young and let me make my mistakes (etc...).

For me its the song that expresses how tired I am of being young, feeling like I don't belong anywhere and with no one. Alone against the universe, and misunderstood.

Maybe I don't understand the world as the world doesn't try to understand me, but

in it's defence that was never the world's plan to understand me.

People eventually find where they belong, maybe someday I will too,

and when I do I hope to be able to see it.

I stare at people and see that they've found their place, 

they are happy.

Why didn't I? I start to believe ( or desperately convince myself )

that there is a bigger picture out there to see.

But do I have to paint it? How do I see it?

How do I find it?

More questions than answers,

Either way, I'll know and appreciate it

 "When I Am Wiser and I Am Older"

Or so I hope.

But right now, I am Just LOST

XOXO

OnlyChick

Hope out there someone understands 

If u do leave me a comment and let me know!

Try!

Hello everyone...

Its been another year...

Its been another interesting one so far...

I have no idea of who I really am (STILL) and I am pretty much in the same place I was about a year ago.. just a year older. Oh, but now I can legally drink ALCOHOL in the United States! (That gives u an idea of how old I am yupppyyy!)

Now a lot as definitely happened in year....

New relationship.... hard times in this relationship

Natural hair journey....

Healthy eating journey...

New year in college in September!

Still I am lost!

Somehow lonely and somehow loving this loneliness as it makes me feel SAFE!

How crazy is this... I like my little prison because I know that it can't surprise me, hurt me or stab me in the back!

Anyways there is so much to tell about this year and what I've learned....

Guess I have some spare time.

xoxo

OnlyChick

Love the life you live, live the life you love!

Sometimes I ask myself what's the point of living and loving when life just does you wrong! I know I am going through a period of sadness and, probably, depression, but I just can't figure this sh*t out.
Once more I've been hurt and I just can't get over it!
I try to make excuses for the other person but it's just useless!
I know that whoever hurt me was because they couldn't handle my flaws and all the bi*chiness I carry around with me... But what can I say: I am who I am.. And when I will be sure of who I am, it'll be clear to y'all!!!
I am trying hard to get over this period and writing is something that helps me vomit my sorrows somewhere, somehow.
It's going take sometime before I'll be able to trust someone else and especially before I can trust myself!
I am tired to be someone for other and this time IMMA DO ME!
Happiness can't be brought by other people... Happiness comes from inside us!!! I am going to try and live this life and love the life I am living for a while!

Xoxo
OnlyChick

When I grow up I am going to Love

I am not a girl not yet a woman!
And I am in love with the concept of love!
I was talking to a friend a few days back about love. J is completely sure that love, as society teaches us, doesn't exist! During his prolonged exposition of his argument I kept quite. He strongly believes that love is a simple trick of the mind! An idealism that doesn't exists and cannot be achieved!
I always loved love since i was a little girl and his ideas at the start repulsed me. 
I was studying for my sociology exam and something I read hit me... Marxism believes that the family had a major role in the capitalist society as it gave children a false idealism about working and love so to keep the economical structure intact! What I found even more disturbing is the idea of Marxists to keep women in the house and promoted patriarchalism as a mean to control women sexuality!!!
Is this what in theory love is all about?
I am not saying that I know what love is, but I like to think that I felt it at least once! But now thinking about it I ask myself if J is right!! 
Did I mistake love for my unconscious need of being love in a non-familiar way? Was it my nervous system deciding to have some kind of electrical connection with another body?? Or was I blinded by a simple animalistic need??
Love is something very complex to be understood in an wholistic way! And maybe to avoid disappointments and mutations in my holistic idea of love I should completely try to avoid it until I am a women! 
Xoxo
OnlyChick

The Road ' Not ' Taken?!

It's been a long time since I posted something! I don't know if I should blame it on my foolishness or the big changes in my life! A lot of things have happened: believing I was happy, university, new friends and change in my looks! 

But I am still endlessly looking for the inner me!

I was looking at an old school book with poems and this poem striked me in a quite unpleasent way: "THE ROAD NOT TAKEN" by Robert Frost. This famous poem put me in a strange distress due to my personality I guess. I'm a kind of person that regrets everything she does at least once, right or wrong that it is, and this poem (in my opinion) emphazised my fragility. I definitely have some anger issues that are sparked by tine tiny things ( and I do not need a psychologist to tell me that my Superego is in control!)

I always take the road less travelled and MAN IT HURTS!!! The damned grasses, thick tree branches and getting stuck in the mud!!! 

I use to ask myself " Why be normal when I can be more??"

This time the road less travelled got me to a place of no return where I am angry, hungry and tired too tired to make my way through the thick trees.

 I guess I just learned that I just have to make small goals instead of going for the "all in" straight away!!

Xoxo

OnlyChick